12/14/12

Well we made it through 12/12/12/ .  Actually I hear the end is on the 21.
Update I made it through my land workout. I succeeded in doing the 5 curcuits I was dead, I think the worst part was going up the stairs.  I hadn't been upstairs for months because of my knees.  But through the grace of God or by that stuff the ladies in the pool told me about my knees right now are doing great.  It really is a miracle. But I did three exercises twice, for each curcuit.  I think she said I did about thirty different ones.  I love the weight machines and it felt great to be back on them.
Yesterday was pool workout.  She had me do some CRACY things I've never done before.  I felt like pulling her in and saying," you do them".  Because sometimes some things seem impossible.  But there not, and there strengthening my core and other things without me realizing it.  Oh My Gosh the front of my thighs are KILLING me this morning.  I just thought she was just tring to frustrate me, and liked to was me fling and flale in the pool like a beached whale. 
Not really, in this time of year I would like to take a minute and thank Mary my trainer, and every body else at the sports accademy.  I watch my trainer, and stand in amazement at this young woman.  She's gorgeous, smart (having just completed her masters, and now onto her doctorate) and so giving.  She works 18 hour days on our behalf.  Trying to help others to, in the end be happy.  She's always saying I need to be greatful for what I have not what I don't have.  So today I'm greatful for this journey, and the many special people that have come into my life because of it.  Thank you, for your support, words of encouragement, a smile, or saying "you can do it, I know you can".  Just keep coming it will work!  It is working, not near as fast as I'd like, but I'm learning some amazing things along the way, that if it came off fast I wouldn't learn and I'd be this size again.
So thank you to everyone.  I hope by recording how I feel on this journey that someone out there may be helped.  Keep on with the journey, whatever your journey is!!!

12/11/12

I suceeded in my workout this morning. Did 9 warmup laps before Mary got there, then did 20 laps in 30min. 55 sec.  2 of the laps were kicking with a kick board.  Doesn't sound so tough?  Well I've never done it ever without fins, I never could make myself move.  Today I did it!!!  It took seven of those almost 31 min. but I was able to do it.  It felt good!
Then I stayed for the other two water arobic classes, tonight I feel like I over did it.  It's 7:00 and I'm headed for bed.
Goal for tomorrow:  5 lifting circuts in 1 hour, wish me luck.
It's good to be back, although tonight I also feel like I'm getting sick all over again.  I hope I can fend it off.  Any ideas of any home remedies?  My chest is full of crud.

12/10/12

Hi bloggers,
Its been awhile again, and as I recall the last time I blogged I promised I would do better. But that's life isn't it, we allow things to get in the way of what we need to do.  We always find excuses.
 But right at this minute life is good.  Just some qiick things to bring you guys up to speed on what has happened.  In Oct. I was finally sent down to Makey Dee hospital to a knee Dr.  and he found out I not only needed one knee but that both are shot.  He was willing to do surgury, but when he said their only good for 10-15 years I asked what my options were.  He said surgury or tough it out.  But they also said I have arthritis under my right knee cap and thats probably what I.m feeling, also that it can't get any worse if I go full speed ahead at the gym.  My knee will just hurt.  So as long as I am not damaging it we have decided to go full speed ahead.  So since Oct. I have been going to the gym as scheduled.  There are days my knee kills, and now I no my Dad wasn't kidding when he can tell the change in the weather, it really is true.  The ladies in the pool have turned me onto some supplements that I also have been faithfully taking that I think is helping the knee also. So until I can't take the pain anymore I will just keep doing what I've been doing, and will keep getting more weight off and getting stronger so that when the time does come that I need surgury I will be in the best shape possible.
Today I went to the gym, I haven't been for two weeks due to some freak illnesses I've had.  It felt so good to be back, and I hope it will help strenghthen me to be able to resist more illnesses this winter.
I did 4 miles in twenty minutes on the bike.  The bike is something we had just started before I got sick, and I had done 4 miles in 1/2 hour.  So today I beat that by ten minutes.  That was so cool.  I never did stuff like this before.  The guy next to me was going faster than I was, and as I've commented before I'm a little competitive, so I jacked the machine up higher and away I went.  I was pooped out, and couldn't walk when I got off, but I finished.  Now tomorrow we'll be in the pool, where my trainer wants me to do twenty laps in 1/2 hour, and then we'll do weights the other 1/2.  Also with my swimming I no longer am using my fins.  I can just swim like normal people.  Remember when I first started and when I swam I swam backwards, even though I was aiming forwards!  I think back how far I've come, I've been at this journey now a year.   The last of Oct. was a year.  I need to work a lot harder on my eating again.  It's so important to write everything you eat down.  Also I've gotten out of the habbit of eating breakfast again.  It's amazing how fast old habbits creep back in, it really has brought home to me when people tell you it's a lifestyle change it really is.  You have to be aware at all times what your doing for the rest of your life, or the bad habbits quickly return.
The biggest news I have to tell you is that I have a new addition to my household.  Her name is Molly and she is a 4 month old Labradoddle.  Boy I feel like I have a baby in the house again, oh wait, I do. 
But I have written how lonely I've been, and how much I have missed my son's dog.  Mary my trainer has been encouraging me to find a dog, I think she wanted me to have to walk, but I wanted something to talk to besides the 4 walls.  Well both is happening, I'm always getting up out of my chair chasing her because she's in the chewing puppy stage. We go out for walks mutiple times a day, and I actually get down on the floor and play with her, and now I can Even get up!!!  Life is good, have a great day, and continue the journey!!

9/12/12

This summer has been eventful like I said in the post I just wrote.  I lost a good friend, neighbor, confidont, and also my DR.  She was a really fantastic woman, one that people just wanted to be around, because of how she made you feel.  Her and I also swam years ago together till her diagnoise of cancer.  As I observed this family over the last several years, it always struck me how positive they always were, and that they were more concerned how everyone else was doing rather than them.  What an inspiration they are to me.  But at the funeral I felt like I had a realization.  I realized I had someone on the other side that really knew how I felt and that she would be helping me and giving me some of her always positive energy from heaven.  Every since then I have had a different perspective on life.  I realize how precious life is.  For a woman who was so needed on this earth by so many people, was still taken.  She had to go through hell before she could finally leave.  But through everything she went through you never heard her complain, or ask why me.  She just took it and did so valiantly.
But I have a little extra umph.  I know it's her up there cheering me on.  Like I said this summer has been eventful.  My knee has been giving me alot of pain, and it's not getting better in fact I'm trying to figure out how I can get an MRI.  It's put me back on my training some.  I have been doing alot in the pool but it still hurts.
    But the thing I want to talk about the most is how the world wants to know how much have you lost?  Why can't we ask people, what changes have you seen in your life?  Sometimes it's not about what the scale says.  Let me explain...this summer I have seen some extrodinary changes in my life.
I have been able to start doing things again that I haven't done in years.  They might seem very small to some people, but to me it's been like loseing 100 lbs.  The biggest thing I've noticed is my strength and stamina.  To be able to go out and set up my jobs, help unload my trailers, it's been years.  Even my girls commented on how much I was helping with.  Then in the last three weeks I have totally taken over my shop ( I have a home business)  It was a disaster, and I have worked 8 - 12 hour days to find and organize my store again.  I figure it's probably been 8- 10 years since it's been this organized my little girl says, ever. I am so grateful to my trainer, to my friends at the sports academy, my family, etc. for giving me the encouragement I've needed to keep going.  In the beginning I couldn't see any difference, all I knew is that I hurt all the time. Now I see what I'm being able to physically do again.  I see that I've gone from a size 44 pant and now I'm in a 36 and their getting really lose in the waist.  I've gone from a 6x shirt, and the other day I bought a 3x.  Even though I've not even lost 50 lbs, I'm finally starting to see the things that are changing my life, and even more than that I should say giving me my life back.  I have been at this 11 months now I really wanted 100 lbs off by now, that hasn't happened, but look at what has.  My goal is still to have 150 lbs. off by July when my son gets home off his church mission.  Things are finally coming together, not like I thought they would, but I quess how they were suppose to.  So all I can do is go forward, keep on trying and hope that my body parts get better and put the pedal to the medal and just keep on, keeping on.  What a journey it has been, and how fast it is going, I need all of your support, and encouragement on this journey.  It has been really eye opening how much has to do with mental.  Especially about my opinion of myself.  We all need to love ourselves, before we can love others.
We need to be able to accept us as we are, and if we need to make some changes then do our best to accomplish whatever changes we need to make. My late friends husband wrote on his facebook this week a quote that really struck me.  It says "If you do what you've always done, you will get what you always got.  If you want something you've never had, you must do something you've never done." Keep joining me on this journey your doing great!!

9/12/12

My daughter keeps saying mom update your blog.  Friends say we've missed your blog please keep doing it.  I didn't realize it had been all summer, so sorry about that.  I do have several entry's that I will be making, that I had hand written but just didn't get them posted.  so here goes.

This one I wrote late at night several months ago.  It says ten months but it must have been closer to 9 months into this journey....   Well I've been at this for ten months know and all I can say is I'm depressed, no not depressed but disappointed.  I can still not get past the 50 lb mark, heck I can't even get to 50 lbs.  The gym people that are helping me are doing all they can, so the rest is up to me.  obvisously I'm doing something wrong or I'd be losing.  I had someone comment to me the other day...Man if I had what you have a trainer, dietition, place to work out I'd be doing my darndest, I wouldn't be throwing it away, I'd be working so hard... What's wrong with you?  All I could say is I don't know!  I have been going everyday unless I'm out of town, my food has been I think more in control than ever, and I still don't do anything.  Some people say Your Depressed.  I don't consider I'm depressed, I'm lonely.  I have made some great friends at the gym, I have 4 great kids that I tried to raise to have their own lifes, so they are not responsible for me, yes I had a husband but he dropped dead.  I'm just lonely I don't like sitting and looking at the 4 walls.  I thought I had some really good friends but they have their own lifes.  My kids tell me to go out and get a life, well thats easier said then done.  Some people say take pills, been there done that.  I thought thats what exercise was suppose to do for me.  So I say I don't know alot and am trying to go on.
So back to my weight loss or lack of it.  I know people don't think I'm taking this seriously but I really am. ( The next few lines are exactly as I wrote them at the time, Its not how I now feel) 
I need to do this for me, but when I don't care and there's no one else, there just doesn't seem to be a reason.  I see now how my husband felt, he didn't care either.  I don't want to be like him, I don't want to go through what he did, but I do WANT EASY!  I was watching a movie the other night It was Mr. Magoriums wonder Imporium(or something like that)  The girl was doubting herself, she felt she didn't have the magic that the store had.  The guy was telling her that the magic wasn't in the store that the magic was in her.  She had the power within her to make the store magic.
I don't know why that struck me but it did, I have the power no  one else does.
       For the summer there's another fat show on the TV, I think the trainer is Kris.  This show is the closest in reality shows that I have seen.The things they go through and how they feel, and the frustration they feel for not only the fat person but also for the trainer, is really spot on.  Sometimes the people make their goals and sometimes they don't, but what ever they accomplish it's better than when they started.
         Everyone wants me to walk more, get more steps in, it will get you moving down again.  But no one seems to understand that my feet really hurt.  I know they will until the majority of this weight is off.  I never had the aches and pains that I've had since I started.  I realize if I had ever been an athlete I would understand better, but it seems like everything is going to pot.  I should be getting stronger instead of turning into a wimp!  Here's my theory...  The fatter the person the more it holds things together, now that some is coming off it's allowing things that are, let's say, broke are starting to wiggle around and it's really hurting.  The DR'S laughed at me.
Now that I vented like a normal fat person, "OH WOEST ME" I'd like to say I am still thankful for this oppotunity, and I'm not giving up.  For as crazy as a summer as I've had I really think I've done pretty good.  The best thing that happened is I have a new grandson.  Although he might as well have come out walking he weighed 10lbs. 10 ounces.  He's a big boy.
Another problem I've been dealing with, and maybe some of you are going through the same thing, is I think I'm going through" the change".  What a roller coaster, I've talked about this before but it is really doing a number on me.  One day I feel on top of the world and have tons of energy, and the next if you look at me wrong I burst into tears and feel like the world is against me.  I really feel that this has alot to do with my weight loss and everything.  if anyone has a magic potion please let me know. 
         Well as always it's a journey, one that needs to be taken one day at a time.  Sometimes one hour or minute at a time.  But as long as we keep trying eventually we'll get to where we're going.  Hang in there and just know there's never going to be a dull moment!!

6/16/12

As always it's been awhile.  I am tring so hard to concentrate on what I'm suppose to be doing, that I forget to do my blog.  I am doing well at going to the gym.  I think I'm happy with how it's going.  My food still is a struggle.  But as always my trainer has come up with a paper that I finally understand that I just fill in.  It has what I need to eat (what food group), when, and how much. So it is going a little better.  I weighin this week so we'll see how it's going.
On another note, a BIG THANKYOU needs to go out to the ladies in the pool that threw me a party for reaching my first goal.  It was so much fun!!  You will never know how much each of you have come to mean in my life.  You truly are family.  They asked me how they could help me because I still feel like I'm spinning my wheels.  I had mentioned that my trainer needs me to walk additional walks during the day.  It's hard for me to go out and walk by myself, so each of the ladies are coming over to walk me in the evenings, they are sacrificing their time to see that I am doing what I'm suppose to do.  That's going over and above being a friend.  To you all THANKYOU I will never be able to repay you all for doing this for me.  All I can do is hope to be able to help someone, somewhere, that's struggling, and be a support to them like the ladies are being to me. 
On a funny note my pants are getting so big that it's really funny.  I was tring to get the belt tightened even more and my little girl was laughing her head off because they're still so big.  She did complement me though in her own little way, when I said that I really need to send for some smaller pants, and her coment was that as soon as they come the way I'm going I'll need smaller ones.  I'm glad she's noticing. It really is (I think) starting to click.  I realize It will still be like a roller coaster, meaning I'll have my good days and bad, but I'm feeling better.  I am really starting to notice more things all around that I'm doing again and It's so fun.  It's nice to be more happy again than always being sad!!  I promise I'll be back more often, and cont. on this journey with me.

5/22/12

I am sorry for not writing for a while again.  I am going to do better.  but I keep forgetting how to get on and then I have to remember to ask my daughter.
Well I met my first goals this past month.  I made it to 399, so below 400, and also made the 10 percent mark.  Bad news it didn't last long.  I am so tired of the roller coaster, thats why I don't weigh every week.  But that's not good either because I need to weigh each week to keep me on track.  So either way I'm not happy.
So in other words I've lost46lbs. and 50 1/2" in 6 months.  I am very pleased with this and then I start thinking and saying it should have been more.  My trainer got frustrated with me and made me carry the 25 lb ball up and down the hall.  I barly could do it and then she said times that by two.  It put into perspective what i'd done.  But then I'm up a little so I get frustrated again.
I appreciate the people at  the pool they talk me through a lot, and many are going through what I am.
I think I am more aware of everyone and that we all have struggles.  I've talked about this before, and the only thing to do is like someone said to me today, take it one day at a time.  Some of those days will be good and some won't but just keep going.
I am excited to try the outdoor pool all the ladies say it's wonderful.  I'm not convinced yet, but I guess I'm going to find out soon!  Keep on, keepin on.  I love you all for being my support.

april 26, 2012

It's been a while since I've blogged.  I think it was around Easter when I was finally sending off the candy to my son who is serving a church mission.  Well you'll be glad to know I made it through Easter not having any candy.  We did make potatoe salad though and that was tough.  Potatoe salad is a weekness, even if I used fat free everything in it.  I also wanted to tell you about the cake I made.  I had heard this somewhere so I tried it.  You can use any type of cake mix, I had a yellow cake, and all you add is a can of pop.  I used a diet 7-up.  It was great!  I then poked holes all over and poured sugar free jello on it.  You put it in the fridge to harden up I topped it with fat free whipped cream and it was so good.
As most of you know if you've followed me, I've been having a hard time getting to my first goal of losing 45 pounds which is 10 percent of my starting weight.  I haven't figured out whats going on except I need to do better with everything.  I've thought alot about my attitude and how I've been feeling about this process, and my trainer is tring so hard to help with every area.  But I almost think I'm afraid of accepting these changes, I'll be honest it scares me to death.  I've always been heavy thats what I've always been judged by.  But my trainer is working so hard on me to accept my successes whether big or small, to learn to be happy again and to celebrate life.  I think of things I want to say in my blog, it seems, at night.  So I have a pad next to my bed and when my mind is going at it then I write down what I'm thinking otherwise I'll forget.  So I have written:  We learn more from our setbacks that we learn from our successes.  It has taken me 6 months to finally reach my first goal.  It's been a journey with a lot of set backs, but each one of those setbacks were such learning moments, that if not have had, today wouldn't have been so sweet.  I'm so excited to announce I have met my first goal.  I have lost 46 lbs. which also means I have met another goal and that is that for the first time, in a very long time I am below 400lbs.  I am in the 300's I am so excited.  Another thing I had written on my note pad was ACCEPT SUCCESS!  I am thrilled to be able to finally say I was successful reaching my first goal.  To see the difference in what I can do is increadible I even mowed my lawn yesterday, it might have taken me almost 2 1/2 hours but I did it.  It's probably been at least 10 years since I've mowed my lawn.  I am trying hard to accept these new successes in my life, and I hope all of you are to, know matter what your journey, know matter what your successes embrace them.  I hope this gives me the insentive to work even harder so that maybe it can come off just a little faster, but like I said the setbacks always teach us more and then allow the successes to be that much sweeter.  I hope all of you have success in whatever life is throwing at you, remember we're on this journey together.  Thank you to all that have been so caring to me I could not be doing this without your words of encouragement, and interest in my success.  You are what keeps me going because I would hate to let any of you down, so THANK YOU!  I have met some great new friends at the Sports Academy.  This journey truly is giving me my life back, Thank you!

4/3/12

Just a quick note.  I am up to 39 lbs. and 45 ".  This week and over the last several weeks I have been stressing over the all mighty taxes.  Tomorrow my accountant comes so today and this last week I have been doing nothing but tring to figure out a years worth of books reciepts etc.  Well I know this year it's gone a lot smother because I've been excerising.  It just is helping me cope better.  So I am grateful for that.  Am seeing a big difference, but still have so much to work on, I think it's going to be a slow process.  But one that I'm learning so much, thanks to all of you that are helping me.

3/24/12

It's funny how a totally awesome day where I had gotten up,was at the gym for a great pool workout, came home put makeup on, did my hair, went to a lovely baptism, came home and helped a customer, and while helping her her grandchild inocently says, Grandma that ladies big!  Not only did that embarrass the customer but it brought me back down to reality about how I look to others.  I felt so good about what I've accomplished, and in an instant felt like this whole journey is a waste of time. I know it isn't and I've had my cry feeling sorry for myself.  Now life will go on, but I sure wish people wouldn't talk about peoples looks in front of their kids, because that little girl sure didn't learn to judge peoples looks from a book, she was to young to read. I hope everyone else has a great spring day!  The journey continues...

3/20/12

I want you all to know I just came from ZUMBA!  It was so fun, I couldn't move as fast as everybody else and I ended up sitting down sometimes but I finally went and got through it.  Anybody that wants to go with me I'd appreciate a buddy.  My trainer wants me to work on moving more or getting my steps up more during the day, so I finally went outside and walked a bit the other day.  I hate walking outside, but I'm trying also used my tredmill the other day and walked longer than I ever have walked on that machine.  I have never walked over 5min. at a time on that machine, I did 20 min.  I know that doesn't sound like much to most people but it's a huge acomplishment for me.  Tomorrows weigh in day wish me luck.  I've been really trying hard.  Thanks for all your support, and for your comments I finally figured out how to find them and read them you are amazing and I appreciate you all.  Lets do this together!  Have a great night maybe with Zumba I'll sleep!

3/16/12

Yesterday was a productive day.  I was finally back in the pool where I feel like home in.  That was until my trainer showed up, she kicked my butt, during our training hour, but came back during the 9:00 water class and kicked all our butts.  Some of those older ladies didn't know what hit them. After class they were all saying how hard it was and she really worked them.  I said but you did it.  She also wants me to start walking an additional 20 min. a day at home out side.  To all of you that might not seem like a lot but to someone that sits all day on her butt, its a lot to ask. 4 months ago I couldn't have done it. On wednesday I made a goal at 2:00 I was going to walk.  I didn't go out side but I do have a very nice heavy duty tredmill in my bedroom (how many of us have these) so I dusted it off removed all the clothes that were hung on it and stepped on and walked 20 min.  I can honestly say I have never walked more than 5 min. on that tredmill before.  I was talking on the phone to my daughter and I just kept telling her KEEP Talking to me.  I walked over a 1/2 mile, thats pretty good for me.  I never was able to walk very fast even in school when I was a teenager it would take me 20 min. to walk a mile.  So I just need to double my time and I'll be back in high school. Yesterday I actually walked outside.  I went down to get the mail, then realized I didn't have the key, I was so mad I walked backed got in my car and drove back.  Now I realize a sninny person would have walked back, but I'm not skinny, YET!  In this journey, even as slow as I feel it's going, I am succeding.  I'm doing things I never thought I'd ever do again.  I was watching a show the other night, and they were climbing a rock wall.  My kids all do that and I made it a goal to do that.  Today when my time with Mary was over she started teaching a Boot Camp class, and she was deminstrating a Push up that they were to do.  Well this was no ordinary pushup, she was holding onto the weights, she pushed herself up, lifted a back leg, put it down, lifted the other, put it down, and then lifted the arm with the weight, and then the other.  It was so cool, I told her I want to be able to do just one of those and deminstrate it in front of my son when he gets home off his mission.  I'm down to 14 months, and counting.
I also had a breakthrough last night with food.  My daughter is out of town on a school trip.  I was home alone, and I was hungry.  I wanted so badly to go to Wingers, but I had no money, But that has never stopped me before.  Then I thought Panda Express.  So I stopped and looked up calaries, there was know way I was going to blow all my hard work from yesterday with all those caleries and the sodium levels are terrible.  So I saqt myself down inventoried what I had and made a stirfry with what I had in my fridge.  It was so good, and I'm proud of myself!  It might not be working as fast as I'd like,or as fast as some people think it should come off, but I'm learning there's a lot more to this process than just losing weight.  There's a mind factor that has got to change, and that process is taking a long time, and I'm realizing will probably take a lifetime.  It's continueally changing, when I think I may be conquering one thing then another thing pops up or I slip somewhere else.  It will be ongoing forever but that's what earthlife is all about I quess.  Hang in there and keep going on each of our journeys.  Have a great day!

3/9/12

Yesterday was my 51 Birthday!  Today I walked my first countinuous mile in years, Without sitting down.  What a long way I've come in 4 months.  It was truly a happy birthday.  Thanks to all that encourage me, and hope we all encourage each other on our different journeys.  We are all at the gym for different reasons  but one goal and that is to be able to do the very best we can at what ever we're doing. I'm grateful for this opportunity, and today I'm grateful for the beautiful sunshine, and that for the first time in probably 15 years actually want to be outside to enjoy the beautiful day!  Please take a moment and go outside and takein the beautiful surroundings we have here.  I hope you have a great day!

3/4/12

Finally, I remembered my password and finally got back in.  I've been trying all week. 
My oldest son is leaving home tomorrow, I have had an extremely hard weekend.  My kids more than once have said I have my angry voice back.  They will never understand until they have kids of their own.  He's 27 it's time he leave, I know he was sticking around because he was concerned about me.  I think finally he feels confortable enough to leave, and that's a achievement in itself.  I have never wanted my kids to feel like I need them to take of me.  I get stronger and more mobile everyday, and am so thankful for this journey.  But...I will say I still have a problem that I can say has always been a problem, and that is going for food when I don't want to deal with something(like my son leaving).  This weekend has been difficult I have been craving all sorts of things.  I really would like a mamouth hamberger, x large order of fries and a giant milkshake all from Labeau's.  My kids have fought me off all weekend, and I have not been nice(hence my angry voice).  So last night after every body left home alone again I sat down and ate a box of skinny cow chocolate carmel clusters that equals about 720 cal.  Who did it hurt ME could it have been so much worse YES.  That is why it will always be a journey.  Life always has things being thrown at us, and yes I'm getting better at how I handle them, but then at times the old cravings (Labeau's) come back with a vengence. I am learning though with all the hard work at the gym, and the results that I'm starting to see, that it's getting a little easier to tell or find things to give me the same satisfaction that are different than always going to food.  So that is progress.  I'm going to have to work a little harder this week.  But I'll do it. Oh by the way I got a belt to fit that I bought 4 months ago, when it didn't fit. Yea!!!Have a great week!

2/27/12

It's been a week since I've written, but I had to take a minute today and say what a great day!  Let me bring you up to date on what happened at my weigh in last Thurs.  For the month of Feb. I only lost two pounds.  I was pretty bummed because as far as I'm concerned I've worked really hard and am trying to do everything I've learned.  I was upset and so we measured.  I lost over 12" this month.  That puts me at 34lbs, and 42" in 4 months.  I am doing 30 laps in 30 min. in the pool, plus going to water arobics and also training on land.  My meals are getting better and thats what I wanted to talk about today.  As in previous blogs there are times that my work takes over and today had the potential of doing that.  But I got up and did my 30 laps, plus a water class.  I went home and took a min. to make a snack.  The next 5 hours was spent working and doing it all by myself (and did it, YEA!) I took a min. to then have lunch, before I had to go set my job up.  It ended up looking so great, and I felt good at what I had accomplished, but more importantly still took the time to do what I had to do for myself.  It's been a eye opener lately how things are changing.  How my mind works differently, how my body is starting to expect the exercise.
People told me when I started that it takes 21 days for a habbit to form, well for an obese person it takes a lot longer because it's more about what's going on in the head more than even the body.  I've told myself for so long that I can't do things, that it's hard to say now I can or at least try to do it.
It's been so good to have to come to the gym and account to someone, and the support that has come from all of the clients, staff, trainers, etc. is greatly appreciated.  I have ment so many people that are so awesome, and they each have their own story as to why their there.  Thanks to you all!

2/19/12

Accountablity & Concequences these are words that have been thrown at me this week.  They are words we use with our children (teenagers) a lot.  As children we want them to grow up to be responsible adults.  As adults we want to be responsible. But sometimes we make mistakes and when called on it throw tantrams like our children.  I don't know about you but I have done this all my life.  I have never I quess been accountable for my actions.  If I wanted to eat I did, if I wanted to sit I did, If I wanted to believe I couldn't do something, I didn't do it.  Now I'm thrown into a situation where it doesn't matter if I think I can succeed, there are people that do believe and they aren't listening to the excuses or the I can't, they just expect me to do it.  I might not do it up to my specifications but I'm doing it.  The excuses are there, I let life in general take me over, but the consequences to this is I'm going to lose this opportunity, and that's just not going to happen.  So kick my big fat butt, lose the life excuses and get the fire back that I had 4 months ago when I started.
When my mother lectured for weight watchers when I was little, I remember her talking to her clients when they got discouraged or nonchalaunt about doing the food plan, and would find themselves cheating as they use to call it, or kind of spinning their wheels.  The advice she gave them is go Back to The Basics! 
Go back to writing everything down, go back to measureing, excersizing, etc.  Someone told me the other day that this is my job.  I also had someone ask me if when my son got home was I going to quit coming.  Well the answer to both of those questions is yes this is like a job.  You have certain hours you work, there's always planning and exicuting your work ability, But NO, heck NO am I going to stop this when my son comes home.  Even though I have my days I struggle, I am not going to give this up, I do realize the difference it's made in these last 4 months, and I hope it eventually will become an everyday thing.  When they say it's a lifestyle change they are correct.  Having delt with my husband, and his illness no I don't want to be buried I want to LIVE and sometimes it BULL S*&?^&(*  (SORRY I couldn't help myself)  this is a private joke with some of the women in the pool that are reading the blog.  They said I should use these words, because sometimes it's just how we feel.  It's hard to change, and make the time for all this stuff, and sometimes the feelings come back to haunt you thats it just to hard.  Then we get done with the water class and we're glad we all came.
I appreciate again the many people at the gym that's rooting me on, you'll never know how your words of encouragement help me.  But on the other hand this is about the time where I get complacent, because if I think I'm starting to do good or look good, then those stupid voices take over saying your doing so good you don't need this, or you can skip a couple of days, or go ahead and have a gut bomb it won't hurt you.  I don't know if this is called pride or whatever, but it really is a pain in the butt.  Because this is when I start to falter.  So please tell me I'm doing great, but put that," but you can still do so much better" in there.  This way I won't get a big head!
I weigh on Thursday I really hope I 'll be out of the 400's, but I have struggled this month so who knows.
I hope you have a great week, and stay on the journey!

2/13/12

These last couple of weeks the words juggle, frustration, flipflop, etc.  I am to the point I am starting to enjoy the exercise time, but am struggling with the food.  Not so much eating right as planning and having a plan.  This last month I have been able to be more busy, and am thrilled that I've been able to do it, but an old enemy has crept back in and that is the enablity or refrusal( is not the right word either) to get things ready or planning.  When I get busy it's been hard to get use to plan workouts and that seems to be working itself out but meals are still hard.  It's very much like juggling or balanceing a teter toter.  My trainer is frantacally trying to help me, but it still comes down to I have to figure out what I can make work.  This is one of the reasons I got so heavy, It was easier to eat out than fight my late husband.  I got out of the habbit of making dinner.  It's sad because when my older kids were little I cooked all the time.  It's easy to become lazy, and in my case I got lazy in a lot of ways.  Every day you hear reports on the news about how important eating meals as a family is, well it's also important to choose healthy meals for our families to.  But it takes time to fix meals, and for the most part Moms all work these days.  I don't know how people do it.  I know it has to do with planning, so that is what I'm working on.  My trainer has given me a lot of help with menus, calendars, etc.  Another month has almost gone and I still don't have this conquered, I have to get a grip because I'm getting really discouraged.  I don't want to allow myself to get discouraged because I have done well, but as always with me, not good enough.
I hope you all have a great Valentines day!  Hang in there.

2/4/12

Today is my oldest sons birthday, he is 27.  I hope he had a great birthday.
This week has been hard it started out ok but as it progressed my schedule took over, and I found myself literally having no time to exercise.  My trainer was trying to understand and yet was concerned over me not being able to come in.  I want you all to know that I have had a very trying 4 days.  In this time I have decorated a wedding, sat thru an all day seminar, worked two solid days putting up dance decor for SV and in between times made a formal for my daughter.  Now for a normal person that may not seem like a lot, but to someone morbedly obese it means moving your body a lot!  That's not a fun thing to think about is moving.  But I want you to know that I made it through and it's Sat night or I guess Sunday morning about 12:15am, and I made it.  I don't know what my back will fell like when I actually get to bed, but in times past when I have big jobs like dances I don't move for 3 days, and most of the time my kids have to help me from the car to the house because physically I'm gone.  Tonight I'm still going!  This is what excites me because my trainer is right we do have to move our bodies for them to work properly, become strong and healthy.  So even though I missed 1/2 the week I really do think with all the walking I did and lifting and carrying that I am probably pretty close to having my workouts in.  Maybe I'm kidding myself we'll see how I handle the workouts this week, I hope I do ok.  Life is awesome and being able to make my way is even more awesome.  It's like there's hope and a bright light instead of a hole and darkness.  I thank everyone that has been apart of this journey, we don't know whats ahead, or how long it's going to take but please continue with me through the bad and good and we'll do it together.  Have a great week!!

1/29/12

This week I have found out what true angles are.  People that act on their promptings and follow through with what their feeling or go to see who they feel may need help.  I had a good friend show up this week out of the blue, with a card for a belated Christmas.  We had a nice visit, and when she left I opened the card to read it and out dropped some money.  I know it was a sacrifice for her to have done that, and she didn't know that this week my furnace went out in my shop/store, waterpump went out in my car and then my business computer went down.  I had a good friend that is also an angel come and get my car to fix it, but then I had to drive my truck that my daughter drives.  But it was on empty because neither of us had money to put gas in. All I could think of was how was I going to get to the gym. The ladies money enabled me to get some gas so I could go to the gym. This same lady came back a couple of days later and I told her all that had happened, and because of her generousity I had been able to  continue going to the gym without missing a day.  I was and am so grateful, that people are so kind and generous in so many ways.  It doesn't always have to be monitary, it could be sweet acts of service, it could be a listening ear.  I feel so grateful for all those that are watching over me both down here and my angels in heaven.
In addition to the realization of how lucky I am by having people that I call angels, I also realized that all that went wrong this week would have sent me into a total fit/depression normally.  But this week I went to the gym everyday even when it got overwelming, and I got through it.  That is very different than how I would have had it in the past.  I would have sat in my chair eating anything I could have gotten my hands on.  This week I chose to do it different.  I even filled out applications and am trying to find a job that I could do at night and still keep my home business going during the day.
Today I cleaned my house.  I know I should have been at church, but sometimes I get more out of turning on Sounds for Sunday and catching up.  Today was one of those days.  But I really hadn't thought I'd clean my house.  So all of a sudden I got the bug, got my vacumn that I have only probably used once because I couldn't stand long enough to vacumn, and I vacumned the living room.  I was sweating but I had done it.  I got all excited and went to empty the dirt and there wasn't any.  What the...  My kids had clogged the vacumn so tight I had to clean it out for an hour with a hanger.  Then I had to start all over again.  But as I got done with one room I went onto the hall, then the bathroom, then the dining room, then the kitchen, I don't think my youngest quite knew what to think because she's never seen me clean like that before.  Its usually her that does it. I don't know why but it sure felt good to do it, and now I start a new week with a put together house.  YEA!!  The journey is starting to feel better. Thanks to everyone YOU are all my angels and YOU  keep me going.  THANKS!

1/26/12

Well after three hours in the pool, I promised my trainer I'd go and weigh.  Its been about 5-6 weeks and I was down 13 lbs.  YEA!!  I was so afraid I wouldn't lose anything.  So that brings me up to 32 lbs.  I don't think in my life I ever got past between 10-20lbs lost ever on a diet, which I really never tried a lot, so whatever Mary (trainer) is doing it must be working.  Still not where I wanted to be by now but baby steps seem to be doing more for me than huge numbers.   I am trying to learn,and change things that need to change.  I hope everyone has a great day!

1/25/12

Been home a week and getting back into the swing of things.  Its been so nice to come back and have people care that you've been gone.  The ladies in the pool are so friendly, and were concerned I hadn't been there, and their first question was did you find a pool, and I was excited to tell them YES.   I feel so fortunate to have this chance to come and meet new people every day.  Its actually helping me want to get out of my house and do something.  Its been going on 4 years since my husband passed and for those years I rarely left my house.  Friends would call and ask me to go to a movie or something and then right before it was time to leave I'd call and backout.  I would try to get my kids to do everything for me, grocery shopping, errands, even if I needed something from the other room I would tell my kids to go and get it because it ment me moving and I didn't do that.  Because I had sat for so long my muscles were shot.  Everything hurt so bad, and I realize know how close I was to probably dying.  Know wonder my kids and family were so worried about me, and would say remarks that would hurt my feelings.  I realize know I was doing the same thing to myself that my husband had done to himself,  because he wouldn't change his ways either.  I quess that's what struck me is that I was doing the exact same thing he did, no one was ever going to tell him what to do or eat. He landed in the GRAVE and I AM NOT going to.  So even though these workouts are not getting any easier, taking time to plan my meals, and making the time to go work out,  time that will  improve me,  which I've never done before is starting to become important in my life.  I see the small changes, like during our workout today I about lost my shoe and I commented that I need to tighten my laces, my trainer got so excited and said, do you remember how tight your shoes were just 3 monthes ago? Or how my pants are lose around my ankles and when I started they were tight.  She asked me if I was going to weigh tomorrow and I said no.  I know I need to and I've lost some more inches, but I'm scared that the scale won't show it, and then disappointment will set in again.  I'm trying hard to be  positive and believe that I can achieve something, or deserve something good, but its hard to change those old voices that tell me other wise.  That I won't be able to do it nor do I deserve it.  I think that as someone that has allowed herself to be almost 450lbs that I had and still have a lot of negative voices, But I will say it's getting easier at times to say maybe I can do this, maybe I do deserve to change, maybe there's someone out there that I can help or be an example for.  If for know one else this has been a journey for me and my family, one that I'm so grateful for, and I hope that everyone stays with me and we all go through this journey together.  Have a great day!

Jan.19, 2012

It's hard to believe we're already through half of Jan.  Sorry I haven't written for awhile.  I had to go to my daughters and then stopped a couple of days with my parents.  I've really missed the Sports Academy,my workouts, and especially the friends I've made.  You really are a support to me. 
It was interesting as I got ready to go, my trainer really tried to prepare me, with menu's, workouts, it was really important to both of us that I have a plan.  It was an excellent time for me to be an example to my daughter and her family.  We planned meals and I tried to show them it doesn't take any longer to make a nice meal, than it takes to go out to eat, it was cheaper and a lot better for us.  We were able to go to the pool a couple of times to do laps, and also play in the pool with my grandbaby.  We kept me busy and going, and I saw that I could do more.
On the way home I basically did the same thing at my parents home.  They thought the meal I cooked was great.  They are so excited for me because I know they both thought I'd die before them.  And they are 83, and 88 in age.
It was so good to actually get back into the gym today.  It's been a long time since I've done a land workout,  with all the problems I've had with my shoulder, but it felt good.
These last couple of weeks have been an interesting lesson to me because I found out that with some planning being away can be sucessful.  It's good to be back!!

1/8/12

This past week has been one that I finally feel back on track.  Exercised everyday, food was much better, (NOT PERFECT) but better.  I had several jobs come up that I actually did myself instead of calling in help. It's been a very long time that that's happened.  I had to create my decor, fill the van, and then deliver it.  Not that long ago if I did do this I would continually have to sit down because I was out of air.  This week I noticed I could handle things a lot better.  It's the little things that I'm noticing, and it gets me excited, but still keeping in mind I have still a long journey.
This week I have to travel, I'm tring to prepare and think ahead.  Menu's, exercise time, etc. I hope it all works out because I really want to get some more weight off. I've been spinning my wheels long enough.
But all in all a good week with some sucesses!

1/3/12

 Made it back to the pool today after my pitty party week(did have some hip problems in there)  It felt wonderful and I'm so lucky that I have Mary.  She understands that my body is fighting me (along with my mind)and I feel like I'm falling apart.  She is putting me in the pool for the next couple of days so that I can get my strength and energy back, hopefully by the end of the week I can do a land workout.  Although my shoulder is killing me tonight.
I had to make an emergency trip to SL this afternoon for work and by the time I was out of the car(basically going down getting what I needed and turned around and came back) 3 1/2 hours straight I needed to move I've never needed to do that before I could sit all day.  I think I'm beginning to see and feel the need to move.

OK so I'm watching Biggest Loser season opener tonight.  I know I said I wasn't going to do that.  It's been interesting, the people are not as big as in the last few seasons, but it's just as hard no matter what you have to lose.  They've been passing out, puking, etc.  But they pushed through it and each proved to themselves it could be done.I've got to get that momentum back not only in the gym but also food.  It was nice today to have kids back in school and maybe back to a schedule, but I still need to work on, when things come up and being able to handle them without losing my planning.  I hope you understand what I'm saying.
Tomorrow is a new day!