My daughter keeps saying mom update your blog. Friends say we've missed your blog please keep doing it. I didn't realize it had been all summer, so sorry about that. I do have several entry's that I will be making, that I had hand written but just didn't get them posted. so here goes.
This one I wrote late at night several months ago. It says ten months but it must have been closer to 9 months into this journey.... Well I've been at this for ten months know and all I can say is I'm depressed, no not depressed but disappointed. I can still not get past the 50 lb mark, heck I can't even get to 50 lbs. The gym people that are helping me are doing all they can, so the rest is up to me. obvisously I'm doing something wrong or I'd be losing. I had someone comment to me the other day...Man if I had what you have a trainer, dietition, place to work out I'd be doing my darndest, I wouldn't be throwing it away, I'd be working so hard... What's wrong with you? All I could say is I don't know! I have been going everyday unless I'm out of town, my food has been I think more in control than ever, and I still don't do anything. Some people say Your Depressed. I don't consider I'm depressed, I'm lonely. I have made some great friends at the gym, I have 4 great kids that I tried to raise to have their own lifes, so they are not responsible for me, yes I had a husband but he dropped dead. I'm just lonely I don't like sitting and looking at the 4 walls. I thought I had some really good friends but they have their own lifes. My kids tell me to go out and get a life, well thats easier said then done. Some people say take pills, been there done that. I thought thats what exercise was suppose to do for me. So I say I don't know alot and am trying to go on.
So back to my weight loss or lack of it. I know people don't think I'm taking this seriously but I really am. ( The next few lines are exactly as I wrote them at the time, Its not how I now feel)
I need to do this for me, but when I don't care and there's no one else, there just doesn't seem to be a reason. I see now how my husband felt, he didn't care either. I don't want to be like him, I don't want to go through what he did, but I do WANT EASY! I was watching a movie the other night It was Mr. Magoriums wonder Imporium(or something like that) The girl was doubting herself, she felt she didn't have the magic that the store had. The guy was telling her that the magic wasn't in the store that the magic was in her. She had the power within her to make the store magic.
I don't know why that struck me but it did, I have the power no one else does.
For the summer there's another fat show on the TV, I think the trainer is Kris. This show is the closest in reality shows that I have seen.The things they go through and how they feel, and the frustration they feel for not only the fat person but also for the trainer, is really spot on. Sometimes the people make their goals and sometimes they don't, but what ever they accomplish it's better than when they started.
Everyone wants me to walk more, get more steps in, it will get you moving down again. But no one seems to understand that my feet really hurt. I know they will until the majority of this weight is off. I never had the aches and pains that I've had since I started. I realize if I had ever been an athlete I would understand better, but it seems like everything is going to pot. I should be getting stronger instead of turning into a wimp! Here's my theory... The fatter the person the more it holds things together, now that some is coming off it's allowing things that are, let's say, broke are starting to wiggle around and it's really hurting. The DR'S laughed at me.
Now that I vented like a normal fat person, "OH WOEST ME" I'd like to say I am still thankful for this oppotunity, and I'm not giving up. For as crazy as a summer as I've had I really think I've done pretty good. The best thing that happened is I have a new grandson. Although he might as well have come out walking he weighed 10lbs. 10 ounces. He's a big boy.
Another problem I've been dealing with, and maybe some of you are going through the same thing, is I think I'm going through" the change". What a roller coaster, I've talked about this before but it is really doing a number on me. One day I feel on top of the world and have tons of energy, and the next if you look at me wrong I burst into tears and feel like the world is against me. I really feel that this has alot to do with my weight loss and everything. if anyone has a magic potion please let me know.
Well as always it's a journey, one that needs to be taken one day at a time. Sometimes one hour or minute at a time. But as long as we keep trying eventually we'll get to where we're going. Hang in there and just know there's never going to be a dull moment!!
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