This summer has been eventful like I said in the post I just wrote. I lost a good friend, neighbor, confidont, and also my DR. She was a really fantastic woman, one that people just wanted to be around, because of how she made you feel. Her and I also swam years ago together till her diagnoise of cancer. As I observed this family over the last several years, it always struck me how positive they always were, and that they were more concerned how everyone else was doing rather than them. What an inspiration they are to me. But at the funeral I felt like I had a realization. I realized I had someone on the other side that really knew how I felt and that she would be helping me and giving me some of her always positive energy from heaven. Every since then I have had a different perspective on life. I realize how precious life is. For a woman who was so needed on this earth by so many people, was still taken. She had to go through hell before she could finally leave. But through everything she went through you never heard her complain, or ask why me. She just took it and did so valiantly.
But I have a little extra umph. I know it's her up there cheering me on. Like I said this summer has been eventful. My knee has been giving me alot of pain, and it's not getting better in fact I'm trying to figure out how I can get an MRI. It's put me back on my training some. I have been doing alot in the pool but it still hurts.
But the thing I want to talk about the most is how the world wants to know how much have you lost? Why can't we ask people, what changes have you seen in your life? Sometimes it's not about what the scale says. Let me explain...this summer I have seen some extrodinary changes in my life.
I have been able to start doing things again that I haven't done in years. They might seem very small to some people, but to me it's been like loseing 100 lbs. The biggest thing I've noticed is my strength and stamina. To be able to go out and set up my jobs, help unload my trailers, it's been years. Even my girls commented on how much I was helping with. Then in the last three weeks I have totally taken over my shop ( I have a home business) It was a disaster, and I have worked 8 - 12 hour days to find and organize my store again. I figure it's probably been 8- 10 years since it's been this organized my little girl says, ever. I am so grateful to my trainer, to my friends at the sports academy, my family, etc. for giving me the encouragement I've needed to keep going. In the beginning I couldn't see any difference, all I knew is that I hurt all the time. Now I see what I'm being able to physically do again. I see that I've gone from a size 44 pant and now I'm in a 36 and their getting really lose in the waist. I've gone from a 6x shirt, and the other day I bought a 3x. Even though I've not even lost 50 lbs, I'm finally starting to see the things that are changing my life, and even more than that I should say giving me my life back. I have been at this 11 months now I really wanted 100 lbs off by now, that hasn't happened, but look at what has. My goal is still to have 150 lbs. off by July when my son gets home off his church mission. Things are finally coming together, not like I thought they would, but I quess how they were suppose to. So all I can do is go forward, keep on trying and hope that my body parts get better and put the pedal to the medal and just keep on, keeping on. What a journey it has been, and how fast it is going, I need all of your support, and encouragement on this journey. It has been really eye opening how much has to do with mental. Especially about my opinion of myself. We all need to love ourselves, before we can love others.
We need to be able to accept us as we are, and if we need to make some changes then do our best to accomplish whatever changes we need to make. My late friends husband wrote on his facebook this week a quote that really struck me. It says "If you do what you've always done, you will get what you always got. If you want something you've never had, you must do something you've never done." Keep joining me on this journey your doing great!!
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
9/12/12
My daughter keeps saying mom update your blog. Friends say we've missed your blog please keep doing it. I didn't realize it had been all summer, so sorry about that. I do have several entry's that I will be making, that I had hand written but just didn't get them posted. so here goes.
This one I wrote late at night several months ago. It says ten months but it must have been closer to 9 months into this journey.... Well I've been at this for ten months know and all I can say is I'm depressed, no not depressed but disappointed. I can still not get past the 50 lb mark, heck I can't even get to 50 lbs. The gym people that are helping me are doing all they can, so the rest is up to me. obvisously I'm doing something wrong or I'd be losing. I had someone comment to me the other day...Man if I had what you have a trainer, dietition, place to work out I'd be doing my darndest, I wouldn't be throwing it away, I'd be working so hard... What's wrong with you? All I could say is I don't know! I have been going everyday unless I'm out of town, my food has been I think more in control than ever, and I still don't do anything. Some people say Your Depressed. I don't consider I'm depressed, I'm lonely. I have made some great friends at the gym, I have 4 great kids that I tried to raise to have their own lifes, so they are not responsible for me, yes I had a husband but he dropped dead. I'm just lonely I don't like sitting and looking at the 4 walls. I thought I had some really good friends but they have their own lifes. My kids tell me to go out and get a life, well thats easier said then done. Some people say take pills, been there done that. I thought thats what exercise was suppose to do for me. So I say I don't know alot and am trying to go on.
So back to my weight loss or lack of it. I know people don't think I'm taking this seriously but I really am. ( The next few lines are exactly as I wrote them at the time, Its not how I now feel)
I need to do this for me, but when I don't care and there's no one else, there just doesn't seem to be a reason. I see now how my husband felt, he didn't care either. I don't want to be like him, I don't want to go through what he did, but I do WANT EASY! I was watching a movie the other night It was Mr. Magoriums wonder Imporium(or something like that) The girl was doubting herself, she felt she didn't have the magic that the store had. The guy was telling her that the magic wasn't in the store that the magic was in her. She had the power within her to make the store magic.
I don't know why that struck me but it did, I have the power no one else does.
For the summer there's another fat show on the TV, I think the trainer is Kris. This show is the closest in reality shows that I have seen.The things they go through and how they feel, and the frustration they feel for not only the fat person but also for the trainer, is really spot on. Sometimes the people make their goals and sometimes they don't, but what ever they accomplish it's better than when they started.
Everyone wants me to walk more, get more steps in, it will get you moving down again. But no one seems to understand that my feet really hurt. I know they will until the majority of this weight is off. I never had the aches and pains that I've had since I started. I realize if I had ever been an athlete I would understand better, but it seems like everything is going to pot. I should be getting stronger instead of turning into a wimp! Here's my theory... The fatter the person the more it holds things together, now that some is coming off it's allowing things that are, let's say, broke are starting to wiggle around and it's really hurting. The DR'S laughed at me.
Now that I vented like a normal fat person, "OH WOEST ME" I'd like to say I am still thankful for this oppotunity, and I'm not giving up. For as crazy as a summer as I've had I really think I've done pretty good. The best thing that happened is I have a new grandson. Although he might as well have come out walking he weighed 10lbs. 10 ounces. He's a big boy.
Another problem I've been dealing with, and maybe some of you are going through the same thing, is I think I'm going through" the change". What a roller coaster, I've talked about this before but it is really doing a number on me. One day I feel on top of the world and have tons of energy, and the next if you look at me wrong I burst into tears and feel like the world is against me. I really feel that this has alot to do with my weight loss and everything. if anyone has a magic potion please let me know.
Well as always it's a journey, one that needs to be taken one day at a time. Sometimes one hour or minute at a time. But as long as we keep trying eventually we'll get to where we're going. Hang in there and just know there's never going to be a dull moment!!
This one I wrote late at night several months ago. It says ten months but it must have been closer to 9 months into this journey.... Well I've been at this for ten months know and all I can say is I'm depressed, no not depressed but disappointed. I can still not get past the 50 lb mark, heck I can't even get to 50 lbs. The gym people that are helping me are doing all they can, so the rest is up to me. obvisously I'm doing something wrong or I'd be losing. I had someone comment to me the other day...Man if I had what you have a trainer, dietition, place to work out I'd be doing my darndest, I wouldn't be throwing it away, I'd be working so hard... What's wrong with you? All I could say is I don't know! I have been going everyday unless I'm out of town, my food has been I think more in control than ever, and I still don't do anything. Some people say Your Depressed. I don't consider I'm depressed, I'm lonely. I have made some great friends at the gym, I have 4 great kids that I tried to raise to have their own lifes, so they are not responsible for me, yes I had a husband but he dropped dead. I'm just lonely I don't like sitting and looking at the 4 walls. I thought I had some really good friends but they have their own lifes. My kids tell me to go out and get a life, well thats easier said then done. Some people say take pills, been there done that. I thought thats what exercise was suppose to do for me. So I say I don't know alot and am trying to go on.
So back to my weight loss or lack of it. I know people don't think I'm taking this seriously but I really am. ( The next few lines are exactly as I wrote them at the time, Its not how I now feel)
I need to do this for me, but when I don't care and there's no one else, there just doesn't seem to be a reason. I see now how my husband felt, he didn't care either. I don't want to be like him, I don't want to go through what he did, but I do WANT EASY! I was watching a movie the other night It was Mr. Magoriums wonder Imporium(or something like that) The girl was doubting herself, she felt she didn't have the magic that the store had. The guy was telling her that the magic wasn't in the store that the magic was in her. She had the power within her to make the store magic.
I don't know why that struck me but it did, I have the power no one else does.
For the summer there's another fat show on the TV, I think the trainer is Kris. This show is the closest in reality shows that I have seen.The things they go through and how they feel, and the frustration they feel for not only the fat person but also for the trainer, is really spot on. Sometimes the people make their goals and sometimes they don't, but what ever they accomplish it's better than when they started.
Everyone wants me to walk more, get more steps in, it will get you moving down again. But no one seems to understand that my feet really hurt. I know they will until the majority of this weight is off. I never had the aches and pains that I've had since I started. I realize if I had ever been an athlete I would understand better, but it seems like everything is going to pot. I should be getting stronger instead of turning into a wimp! Here's my theory... The fatter the person the more it holds things together, now that some is coming off it's allowing things that are, let's say, broke are starting to wiggle around and it's really hurting. The DR'S laughed at me.
Now that I vented like a normal fat person, "OH WOEST ME" I'd like to say I am still thankful for this oppotunity, and I'm not giving up. For as crazy as a summer as I've had I really think I've done pretty good. The best thing that happened is I have a new grandson. Although he might as well have come out walking he weighed 10lbs. 10 ounces. He's a big boy.
Another problem I've been dealing with, and maybe some of you are going through the same thing, is I think I'm going through" the change". What a roller coaster, I've talked about this before but it is really doing a number on me. One day I feel on top of the world and have tons of energy, and the next if you look at me wrong I burst into tears and feel like the world is against me. I really feel that this has alot to do with my weight loss and everything. if anyone has a magic potion please let me know.
Well as always it's a journey, one that needs to be taken one day at a time. Sometimes one hour or minute at a time. But as long as we keep trying eventually we'll get to where we're going. Hang in there and just know there's never going to be a dull moment!!
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