1/25/12

Been home a week and getting back into the swing of things.  Its been so nice to come back and have people care that you've been gone.  The ladies in the pool are so friendly, and were concerned I hadn't been there, and their first question was did you find a pool, and I was excited to tell them YES.   I feel so fortunate to have this chance to come and meet new people every day.  Its actually helping me want to get out of my house and do something.  Its been going on 4 years since my husband passed and for those years I rarely left my house.  Friends would call and ask me to go to a movie or something and then right before it was time to leave I'd call and backout.  I would try to get my kids to do everything for me, grocery shopping, errands, even if I needed something from the other room I would tell my kids to go and get it because it ment me moving and I didn't do that.  Because I had sat for so long my muscles were shot.  Everything hurt so bad, and I realize know how close I was to probably dying.  Know wonder my kids and family were so worried about me, and would say remarks that would hurt my feelings.  I realize know I was doing the same thing to myself that my husband had done to himself,  because he wouldn't change his ways either.  I quess that's what struck me is that I was doing the exact same thing he did, no one was ever going to tell him what to do or eat. He landed in the GRAVE and I AM NOT going to.  So even though these workouts are not getting any easier, taking time to plan my meals, and making the time to go work out,  time that will  improve me,  which I've never done before is starting to become important in my life.  I see the small changes, like during our workout today I about lost my shoe and I commented that I need to tighten my laces, my trainer got so excited and said, do you remember how tight your shoes were just 3 monthes ago? Or how my pants are lose around my ankles and when I started they were tight.  She asked me if I was going to weigh tomorrow and I said no.  I know I need to and I've lost some more inches, but I'm scared that the scale won't show it, and then disappointment will set in again.  I'm trying hard to be  positive and believe that I can achieve something, or deserve something good, but its hard to change those old voices that tell me other wise.  That I won't be able to do it nor do I deserve it.  I think that as someone that has allowed herself to be almost 450lbs that I had and still have a lot of negative voices, But I will say it's getting easier at times to say maybe I can do this, maybe I do deserve to change, maybe there's someone out there that I can help or be an example for.  If for know one else this has been a journey for me and my family, one that I'm so grateful for, and I hope that everyone stays with me and we all go through this journey together.  Have a great day!